Why Understanding Yourself Is So Difficult

Learning about yourself can be a straightforward, nearly self-evident task- but one of the most difficult things you will ever attempt. We take years to reflect, journal, seek feedback, even go to therapy, and can somehow feel like we are just scratching the surface. Why is it such a personal thing, why so elusive as well?

The following is a speculative analysis of the underlying causes of this struggle.

You Are Both the Observer and the Subject

This paradox is one of the biggest:
You are attempting to research yourself using yourself.

It is comparing attempting to see your own eyes in the absence of a mirror. Your mind is working on your mind, your heart is ruling your heart, and forming a circle which is prejudiced in its nature. You cannot fully stand outside yourself and, therefore, you cannot be absolutely objective.

Opinion:
Self-understanding is not about complete clarity, but about minimizing distortion, with recognition that there will always be a certain amount of blind spot.

Your Mind Is Designed to Protect You, Not Reveal Truth

They are more integral to the survival and emotional comfort of your brain than vicious honesty.

• You rationalize mistakes
• You downplay flaws
• You rewrite memories

This is not a weakness, it is wiring. To save face and self-respect, your brain tends to conceal unpleasant facts.

Opinion:
Self-awareness is not an easy task, but it is a defense mechanism. Growth means challenging in a gentle way, without going in pieces, those defenses.

You Are Constantly Changing

The person you are today is not the same as the person you were last year, nor will it be the person you will be tomorrow.

• Your values evolve
• Your priorities shift
• Experience is molded into your personality.

This molten stuff makes self-understanding to be akin to chasing a moving object.

Opinion:
It is not that you do not know yourself: but that you want a fixed identity in a system that is in a state of perpetual flux.

Social Conditioning Clouds Your Authentic Self

Since you were a child, you are conditioned by:

• Family expectations
• Cultural norms
• Social approval

With the course of time, it is hard to distinguish:

Who you truly are 
vs. 
Who you were taught to be

You might assume that some of your goals or preferences are yours, but they are not.

Opinion:
Much of the work of self-discovery is unlearning rather than learning. It is scouring off instead of coating.

Emotions Are Often Contradictory

Man is not a logically consistent creature.

You can:

• Love someone and resent them
• Want success and fear it
• Crave change and avoid it

It is these contradictions that render making sense of the self messy and confusing.

Opinion:
You don’t have “one true self.” And you are different voices inside yourself--and you are to know yourself is to know how these voices are in relation to each other, not to make them all fit into one package.

Fear of What You Might Discover

In some cases, it is not the complexity that poses a real obstacle but the evasion.

You might be afraid to find out:

• Your insecurities
• Your unhealthy patterns
• Your uncomfortable truths

Then you remain on the surface-level self-reflection, rather than go deeper.

Opinion:
Self-awareness involves bravery. Not the dramatic type of it--but the silent acceptance of living with unpleasant facts without at once correcting or refuting them.

Language Has Limits

Nothing can describe some of your experiences.

• Emotions are either indistinct or intense.
• The ideas may be abstract or subconscious.

When you cannot explain what is going on with you, it becomes even more difficult to understand.

Opinion:
All about you cannot be rendered logical. Certain elements of self-awareness are based upon viewing patterns, but not perfectly.

You’re Influenced by Your Current Mood

Your self-image tends to depend on the way you feel at that particular time.

• On a good day: you are confident, able.
  • On a bad day: you are lost or incompetent.

Both are true at different times, but neither the complete story.

Opinion:
You do not have a fixed self-image, it changes. This is why it is the long-term trends that are considered rather than the feelings of a moment.

Feedback from Others Is Imperfect

It can be mirrored by other people, but those reflections are distorted as well.

• Other individuals impose their prejudices upon you.
• And others view you only on one side.
• Many won’t be fully honest

So even extraneous views are not quite dependable.

Opinion:
The sense of self-understanding can be sharpened when you integrate internal and external feedback selectively, without relying on either.

Final Opinion

It is hard to know yourself as:

• You are complex
• You are biased
• You are evolving
• And you are human

However, that challenge is not a weakness and is a part of the process.

Real self-awareness isn’t about reaching a final answer.
It is about never giving up on asking a better question, observing trends, and being a little more honest with yourself as you go.